Fine, Dammit: Confessions of a Sought-After Sleepmate

"He just wants to get into bed with you."

I've heard this time and time again. (Said to women, of course, not to me.) Men everywhere have been culturally expected to get into bed with attractive women for centuries.

But, here's the thing: It's the 21st century, baby. Toxic masculinity is coming to an end. The tables are turning. And, unfortunately someone told my girlfriend.

Future author C.J. Wood cannot get out of my bed.

C.J. would rather sit at a 90-degree angle in my bed than anywhere else in my apartment. And if you could see my couch, you'd know she had great options. When she goes fully horizontal, she hasn't been shy about wanting me with her. 

Now I'll answer the question you've wondered since you found this blog: why kind of guy doesn't want to sleep with his girlfriend? What would stop him?

One word: standards. 

It's not that I don't want any girls in my bed. It's that I don't want just any girl in my bed. She needs to meet certain criteria.

I'm sorry, but C.J. might not be that person. 

Here's why:

1. She lacks basic bedmaking skills

C.J. made it clear early that she had no idea how to handle my intricate bedspread. 

See what I mean? Wrinkle City. 

2. She doesn't look hot without makeup. 

If I'm going to sleep with her, she needs to look somewhat presentable (hot) without makeup. After all, if I wake up to an un-hot face, that just screws up the rest of my day. Plus, my eyes aren't baggy ever, so I deserve this.

It's debatable, but my girlfriend just might not cut it.

 

Her unsexy choice of shirts doesn't help her cause. 

3. She scores low on bed-friendly angles. 

Yeah... gross....

Gross..

uhhh....

uh..

sorry, what were we talking about again

Ah yes, my girlfriend. That one up there ^ . 

That's actually my girlfriend. 

Anyway, you can see why she doesn't meet my standards for a bedmate.

I was sold on this for a long time. Then, she told me something I never forgot. Her motto, her mantra, her motif:

Lower. Your. Standards.

She has slept in my bed ever since.

And it's been pretty miserable. 

Pretty pretty miserable.

Dammit.

I hope this explains my position. Feel free to comment below. 

Cordially,

Professionally,

 

A boyfriend